I draw when I’m bored. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?
I draw when I’m bored. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?
Merry Christmas everyone. May your loved one straddle you and lick your face on a rooftop.
Watch me and Tim review the Star Wars Holiday Special and try to maintain some semblance of sanity. Or don’t. I don’t give a shit. Fuck you. Happy Holidays.
Thank you, Jon Stewart. Thank you.
Remember Cloverfield? Remember when everyone went apeshit over an untitled trailer? Remember when the notion of the monster movie came back and somehow JJ Abrams used his magic producer powers to keep every detail under lock and key? Remember how genuinely scary and interesting it was to see…
Found Footage Frenzy:
Well, we all knew I’d fall behind on this shit eventually. So, in an effort to catch myself up, I’m going to cover my entire found-footage week in one, mind-expanding all be it long as fuck entry today. We’re gonna cover 5 movies folks. All of them amateurish and poorly shot to instill that fear of: “hey, this is real” as aliens and/or zombies and/or ghosts fuck your day up royally.
The Blair Witch Project:
So what happens when 3 hapless college students stomp around the backwoods of Maryland with no means of communication with the outside? About 2 hours of scare-less arguing coupled by a non-sensical plot about a bullshit witch that’s told just as poorly on its color home video recorder as it is on its inexplicable 16mm Black and White film camera. Editing this shit must’ve been a pain if they combined film and actual video. And there’s no sound recording to speak of, so these three film students totally suck at their craft and deserved to have their souls eaten by a witch and their skin used as a creepy cloak or a lampshade or something. But if I hate this flick, why’s it on here? Well, iI had to mention it if I’m going to talk about its sequel (that is infamous for being bad but is superior in countless ways), and this thing pretty much kick-started the whole found footage genre. Technically “The Last Broadcast" is the first but that movie is about as enjoyable as an in-depth colonic administered by your parents.
The Poughkeepsie Tapes:
Did I talk about this yet? I don’t think I did… Well, it’s not like you read it before if I did so let’s talk about it anyway. This one’s pretty creeptastic. The low budget definitely shows in a few of the scenes but it’s put together with great care and respect for the genre that it gets creepy from the start. It’s a great premise too- the house of a prolific serial killer gets raided and police find a box of 200 8-hour VHS tapes the killer made of his freaky-deaky lifestyle choices. This one is worth the watch. Hands down. Prepare in advance by buying some depends- they have superior protection against leaks. But not straight out peeing. Unfortunately, I know from experience. (Please don’t ask).
This one is almost completely unheard of it’s so obscure. And why the fuck is that the case? This one’s great. It’s shown in the style of a family’s traditional home movies- with the twist of: “what if my kids are fucking psychotic and trying to kill us?” It’s just so perfect. It’s creepy on levels most movies don’t have the scrote to pull off. And without spoiling too much, throw that happy ending shit right out the god damned window. And if you were thinking of having kids, right about here is where you’ll reconsider.
Okay let’s sum it up because we’ve all seen it. Giant monster go rawr. Giant monster smash. A handful of 20-somethings flea in terror. Giant monster go rawr. Nothing happens. Rawr. Boom. MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE, Boom, Rawr, GO GO GO GO GO, Rawr, Boom, Death. Credits.
I think I covered it just fine.
Paranormal Activity (series)
Make a low budget horror movie that relies more on what you don’t see, and your imagination to scare you than big budget CGI? Cool.
Make a sequel that slightly ups the budget and expands the backstory, introduces new plot elements that work, and an overall great continuation of the story? Cooler.
Make a prequel that goes back to the fucking 1980s and is shot like it’s on a craptastic VHS camera, introduce cults, witchcraft and genuinely terrifying moments that make the first look like that shitty haunted house at adventure land? Fucking I’ll buy whatever you’re selling.
Make a fourth one that takes place now, with a cast of devastatingly unlikeable characters in a mind-bending attempt to retcon some shit and continue the story at the same time? Yeah, no.
Hopefully the TWO that are coming out next year will fix things for us.
Next week, We talk sequels that you didn’t really know about.
Another successful Comic Con. I’ve found a new epic tradition.
Oh yeah. Ohhhh fuck yeah. This is the real shit right here. Imagine if yesterday’s entry, Are you Afraid of the Dark? Was darkened up for adults by the real master of horror, and king of all things zombidom, George A. Romero. I’ll give you a minute to clean the poop out of your pants.
Tales from the Dark Side (or Tales from the Crypt’s hot-looking cousin) was a near-perfect blend of funny, scary, and genuine fucking manic insanity. There was no such thing as a straightforward scary-pants story. There was always some twist that provoked a “…wait, what?”. This show has more “WTF’s” per second than any show I’ve come in to contact with.
Like how about a kid that invents a sentient vacuum that hunts you down based on noise and eats your soul? Or how about a comedian that gets hired by the government to go talk to a fucking alien? Weird isn’t the word. Each episode of this show is like a hit of acid. Watching an entire season might fry your brain to SLC Punk levels. Is it a perfect show? Oh lord, by all means, no. But this show at least had something behind it- heart. All-be it a dripping, pulsating heart most likely ripped from someone’s chest.
My first experience with this show was a perfect introduction. I was in college, and I was sick with typhoid or black lung or some such shit. In my delirium I missed the bus to campus and was stranded on my off-campus apartment unable to leave my bed. We also had the most basic of cable packages so I flipped to one of the four watchable channels- Syfy. (Then called Sci-Fi like it should be). I watched 9 episodes (no joke, 9) and maybe it was because I was so sick I had no idea what was happening, maybe it was because I genuinely might’ve been hallucinating and the TV wasn’t even on, but I knew this was a good show then and there.
Famous people were all over this god damned show. It seemed they aimed for at least one recognizable name per show. Like Seth Green, Kareem Abdul Jabar, and Jerry Stiller. Is there a more random assortment of names? That’s like “I want to make an animated comedy about badgers in space starring Mel Brooks, Arnold Schwarzenegger and DMX.”
This show was creepy for adults, and nightmare-inducing for children. There were several knock offs, like Monsters. Never heard of such a generically titled show? There’s a reason. It sucked a whole big bag of dicks. That’s why. Writing is what makes this show work, despite some of the premises being pretty goofy. It’s like if the twilight zone took a pile of ecstasy and kept a dream journal.
To up the fucked up factor, they made a Tales from the Darkside Movie. Which makes this shit look like Elmo in Grouchland. But don’t worry, we’ll get to it. We’ve got a whole fucking month, after all.
Okay! let’s talk about one of the few shows on this list that aims to scare and does anything but.
Hop into the wayback machine with me and dial that shit back to what was hopefully your early childhood (if not… you’re so too young to be following me and should thus expunge yourself from my sight). Saturday night rolls around, and you’re not doing anything. Why would you be? You’re a fucking kid and shit. Kids do nothing. And Nickelodeon knew there was a nation of kids sitting around on their entitled asses demanding entertainment geared towards their tiny young minds. So instead of keeping us happy, they scared us until a little poop came out.
Are you Afraid of the Dark started in 1990 and had one of those weird “wait. how many seasons was that?” tenures on television. It told the story of a group of completely unsupervised and decidedly lame pre-teens that go into the woods every night not to drink or smoke copious amounts of weed, but to tell mildly unsettling scary stories. That’s a way better choice, maybe we can do our homework out here, too.
The stories feel a bit like a knock-off Twilight Zone/Night Gallery crack baby. It was Goosebumps before Goosebumps was even a thing. Only instead of ridiculous plot lines like a mask that won’t come off, or tales of monster blood and such, we get real tales of horror like “I think a clown ghost is following me” and “the phone police mentioned in Weird Al Yankovic’s ‘Don’t go makin’ phony calls’ are real, and they took my best friend”.
The best plot lines they had on this show were stolen from other, better stories/shows/movies- and they dumbed it down so we couldn’t tell the difference.
Even though this show was about as scary as a trip to the grocery store, it was enough when you were a kid. Today? Doesn’t really hold up. You want my advice? Eerie Indiana is way better.
Bought what I thought was an old Avengers comic and tuned out to be a collection of old covers. I made the best of it.
Hey folks. Come on down to the Bellmore train station and buy some supercool paintings at a steeply discounted rate at our all day “it’s not raining don’t be a fucking baby” sale.
Well folks, today I’ve got a great big ball of “what the fuck?” for you. But seeing as I enjoy this show I’m going to avoid shitting on it (for now, anyway. This “Coven” shit looks disappointingly goofy). This is a show I happen to enjoy. Why however? I honestly don’t know. I might be because I have a hard on for shows that kill off main characters (yet oddly enough I’m not nearly as big a Game of Thrones fan as you’d think). But I think it’s because this show doesn’t even know what the fuck it’s doing. Season 2 in particular balances so many different unrelated story lines, that what resulted is a beautiful trainwreck of imagery (i say train wreck in the nicest way) that assaults you visually and leaves you panting barely audible breaths in a puddle of what you hope is just piss.
Confusing description? Seems fitting. Because this show is guaranteed to confuse as much as it wows. Let’s take a look at this fucker shall we?
Season 1: Our first outing follows a small family moving into a haunted house. Sounds like your lame stereotypical “Someone call cousin It” bullshit right?
So instead of Uncle Fester or Grampa Munster, we get Angry, bitchy, vengeful Jessica Lange as the neighbor. We get Evan Peters who’s every bit as dreamy to the ladies as he is psychologically damaged, we have a spiteful gay couple of ghosts played by Spock and what’s his face from… that thing. And we have some dude in black pleather running around raping up a storm. Oh, and we have the gross old lady maid that turns into the single hottest female on TV whenever in the presence of a man.
This must be that new Boner-vision I heard so much about.
There’s so many different plot lines, reveals, and just genuine “holy shit I can’t believe that just happened” moments that I honestly don’t want to give them away. This is worth a watch, even for people who hate horror. They even somehow tie in the real Black Dahlia murders somehow. Gee, I wonder if they’ll do anything else that’s based in history.
Season 2: Okay. Whoah. This season has the feeling of being told a really long (but entertaining) story from a kid with ADHD who gets so excited about every detail of what’s happening.
"OKAY SO THERE’S THIS SERIAL KILLER THAT’S AROUND IN PRESENT DAY BUT HE WAS ALSO AROUND IN THE 60S AND THIS GUY THINKS THERE’S ALIENS AND BLAMES THEM FOR KILLING HIS WIFE WHEN IT WAS THE KILLER GUY AND HE GETS SENT TO THE ASULUM AND THEN THERE’S THESE LESBIANS AND THE KILLER KILLS ONE AND THE OTHER GETS SENT TO THE SAME ASYLUM AND THEN THERE’S THIS NAZI GUY RUNNING EVERYTHING WITH JESSICA LANGE AND SOME HOT NUN THAT’S ALL HORNY AND POSSESSED BY A DEMON AND THE ALIENS WERE REAL, THE POSSESSION WAS REAL, THE KILLER IN THE FUTURE IS THE KILLER IN THE PAST’S SON AND OMGOMGOMGOMG"
Do I disagree with this method of story telling? Not in the least. This show is proof you can spin as many plates as you want as long as it makes some kind of coherent sense, and you can keep spinning them.
Let’s hope we don’t jump the shark in a fridge sent airborne from a nuclear explosion with Season 3.